Family Fun/Family Fun.iso/joke1/jokes_j/jokes.10

Internet Message Format | 1992-01-07 | 70KB

From [e-mail] Thu Apr 27 19:35:40 1989
Flags: 000000000201
Date: Fri, 17 Mar 89 05:31 PST
From: [e-mail] (David Vinayak Wallace)
Subject: Hardened LispMs

    Date: Fri, 17 Mar 89 10:22:13+0900
    From: kddlab!atr-la.atr.junet![e-mail] (John K. Myers)

    There was a rumour about two years back that TI was starting
    work on a hardened Lisp Machine that would a) be about the size
    of an IBM-PC or smaller, and b) be designed to operate in helicopters,
    tanks, etc.  Is MCC trying to do this kind of thing too?  Does
    anyone know whether this project actually got started, and what
    its current status is?

MCC has been contracted by and has delivered to SDIO a "hardened" lisp
machine for phase I of SDI.  That is, able to withstand 30ATM
overpressure, immersion to 600 meters, EMP, and cafeteria food.  The
hardened machine, sufficient for running any existing lisp application
comes with 500K words of memory, a 30-key keyboard, and 7-segment
display, selling for $186,000 each (qty 50).  An optional
flame-retardent mouse is an additional $30,000.

We have submitted a bid for phase II, which we think can be accomplished
by 1995.  Phase II involves re-entry against hardened targets, high
resistance to religious zealots and connectionism, and low radar and
congressional profile.  Projected cost: $1.2M/qty 50.

Please do not reveal this information to non-US citizens.
-------

From [e-mail] Mon May  1 18:30:05 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!carpet!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Raj Wall)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Leadership .vs. Management
Keywords: smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 1 May 89 23:30:05 GMT
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     When Noah heard the weather forecast he
     ordered the building of the ark.
    --- that was Leadership

     Then he looked around and said, "Make
     sure the elephants don't see what the
     rabbits are up to."
    --- that was Management
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Tue May  2 02:20:07 1989
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From: [e-mail] (Sauder Clyde  301-688-7908)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: suicide is painless
Keywords: topical, rec_humor_cull, smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 2 May 89 07:20:07 GMT
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Did you hear that Abbie Hoffman has gone underground again?
--
Jeff Sauder
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.


From [e-mail] Tue May  2 05:30:04 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!carpet!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Joe Miller)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: "No New Taxes"...
Keywords: chuckle, original
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 2 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
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    In our image processing lab we recently had a chance to
    digitize and then re-view some of the Presidential campaign
    speeches.  Of particular interest was George Bush's famous
    "Read my lips, No New Taxes" speech.

    We hired a speech specialist and showed the tape to her over and
    over several times.  Not only was the tape played back slowly,
    but we performed a zoom operation on the (now) President's face.  As
    she read his face for clues, it became painfully obvious to her that
    George Bush was saying -- "Read my lips, No Nude Taxes".

    With this subjective information, we called the White House
    for an explanation.  Reluctantly the White House Staff admitted that
    yes, that was correct - "The President planned to clothe new taxes
    as user fees".

--
    Joe Miller
    PRIP Lab
    Michigan State University
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Tue May  2 18:30:05 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!carpet!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Condoms
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 2 May 89 23:30:05 GMT
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    One day an engineer is going into a new grocery shop on the outskirts
of town. When just inside, he sees a sign which says:

    "CONDOMS: SOLD & FITTED."

    He looks around and calls for service. Then, an exceptionally attractive
young lady emerges.

    "Do you work here?",he asks.

    "Yes",she replied.

    "And is the statement ao the sign over there true?"
The lady leans over the counter and says seductively, "Yes."

    "Tell me," he asks, "who fits them?"

    "I do," said the lady.

    "Well," said the engineer, "would you please wash your hands and give
me a pound of tomatoes."
--
Peter O'Toole
Trinity College Dublin.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Thu May  4 02:20:06 1989
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From: [e-mail] (John Vander Borght)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Minimum Wage and the President (as heard on NPR)
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 4 May 89 07:20:06 GMT
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I heard this on National Public Radio this morning:
A letter from a listener, in regards to a story about the minimum wage
proposals said:

"George Bush should be paid the $4.25/hour minimum wage he proposes and
Dan Quayle should get the lower training wage."

--
John Vander Borght, System Analyst

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Thu May  4 05:30:09 1989
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From: [e-mail] (Nathan Lipson)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Daily News of Tanzania
Keywords: true, chuckle
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Speaking for the whole company, Mr. Sizya Lubuva of Kinondomi, Dar es Salaam,
said: "A number of us were having a conference about the future of the village
as a tourist center when Mr. Nuugu Tabara said he would climb up the palm under
which we were sitting to get some coconut milk for us.  No sooner had he
climbed the tree, than he was attacked by a huge Indian crow and fell down
onto the roof of Mr. Malinjoo's Ford Fiesta.  There is no truth to the
suggestion that we were boozing away our time on komoni, although I agree
coconut milk is one its ingredients.  Everyone knows how dangerous those crows
are.  They will snatch food off your plate, and last week they stole three
bedsheets and a loudspeaker from my sister's house."

-- Daily News (Tanzania), February 24, 1989

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Thu May  4 18:30:06 1989
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From: [e-mail] (Brendan Kehoe)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: True Intelligence
Keywords: heard it, funny
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 4 May 89 23:30:06 GMT
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 This guy was walking through the zoo one day. When he was in front of
 the gorilla cage he bent down to tie his shoe. He noticed through the
 corner of his eye that the gorilla had also bent down. Then when he stood
 back up he saw that the gorilla also stood back up. To see if it was a
 coincidence, he bent down to tie his other shoe and once again the gorilla
 bent down. He stood up and the gorilla stood up. After glancing over his
 shoulder to make sure that nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the
 air. And you guessed it, the gorilla jumped up. The man was getting a kick
 out of it. He started making faces at the gorilla and the gorilla would
 copy everything he did. Finally the man got next to the cage and pulled the
 lower lid of his right eye down. At this point the gorilla reached through
 the cage pulled the guy in, threw the guy around the cage, and generally
 beat the shit out of him, then threw him back out of the cage. After
 hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper came running over to the man.

 "What on earth happened?" asked the zookeeper. "I don't know" said the man.
 "He seemed calm a second ago. I was jumping around and he was jumping
 around and he was doing every thing I was doing. Then all of sudden after I
 did this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the hell out of
 me." "Well no wonder!!!" exclaimed the zookeeper. "That" (pulls lower
 eyelid down) "means F... YOU in gorilla talk!" "Oh" said the man not quite
 satisfied.

 He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large shopping
 bag. Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he started jumping
 around and the gorilla did the same. After a minute or two of this he
 grabbed the bag and pulled out two butcher knives and threw one of them
 into the cage. He lifted the other knife over his head at which point the
 gorilla grabbed his knife and also lifted it over his head. After a minute
 of cutting the air with his knife and watching the gorilla do likewise the
 man snuck a large salami out of the bag with his other hand and stuck it
 between his legs. With a sweeping motion he came down with the knife and
 whacked off the salami "WHACK!!!" At this, the gorilla simply looked at the
 man and pulled down his lower eyelid.

--
Brendan Kehoe
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Fri May  5 05:30:04 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Stuart Freedman {x3262})
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: pharmacist
Keywords: heard it, funny, sexual
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 5 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
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(From: Greg Ryding)

        Time: Early Sixties.  Place: Yourtown, USA

             A young unmarried couple decides after a few dates that
        they are going to sleep together.  So, the guy, Tom, goes to
        the local pharmacy to buy some condoms.

             Tom goes up to the pharmacy counter and asks the
        pharmacist for some Trojans, (just like the kid in Summer of
        '42).  The pharmacist looks at Tom disgustedly and says,
        "What's wrong with you kids today, ya go on two dates and you
        wanna go to bed with each other.  Why can't ya save sex for
        when ya get married.  You should wait until you're married!
        Sex before marriage is a sin ya know."

             Well Tom calmed down the pharmacist and explained that
        his generation was a little different.  He said that he and
        his girlfriend were just trying to act responsibly and take
        precautions against pregnancy and disease.  The pharmacist
        conceded that times were changing and finally sold him the
        condoms.

             That same night Tom was invited over to his girlfriend
        Katey's house for dinner with the family.  When they all sat
        down, Tom asked Katey's father if he could say grace.  Her
        father said yes and Tom proceded to say a beautiful eleven
        minute grace thanking everyone from the Pilgrims to the
        President for the meal they were about to eat.

             After dinner Katey took Tom aside and smiling, said,
        "Tom, you never told me you were so religious!"  Tom smiled
        back and said, "Well, Katey, you never told me you father was
        a pharmacist."

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Sat May  6 02:20:04 1989
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From: [e-mail] (Rodney Mood)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: I wish it were a joke
Keywords: topical, true, chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 6 May 89 07:20:04 GMT
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According to _The_Providence_Journal_, Claudine Schneider, a
lawmaker from Rhode Island, mentioned to Dan Quayle during a
conversation that she spoke fluent French.  Quayle was very
impressed by her language skills and replied by saying, "I was
recently on tour of Latin America and the only regret I have
was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could
converse with those people."

All us Hoosiers down heer are reel prowd of good 'ol Danforth !-)

Of course, Central and Latin America are the pinnacle of
brilliance in U.S. foreign policy.  After Reagan returned
>From *his* visit, he noted:  "You'd be surprised.  They're all
independent little countries down there!"

--
God Save Us,
Rodney Mood
mentor.cc.purdue.edu!ag3

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line.  Not "joke."


From [e-mail] Sun May  7 02:20:07 1989
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From: [e-mail] (Leonard P Levine)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Dangerous Waters
Keywords: topical, pun, smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 7 May 89 07:20:07 GMT
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Reply-Path: mailrus!ames!uwvax!uwmcsd1!csd4.milw.wisc.edu!len

What is the difference between a waltz and gunnery practice on a
modern battleship?

A waltz is a navel engagement without loss of semen.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Sun May  7 05:30:05 1989
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From: [e-mail] (Chris Phoenix)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Police stupidity
Keywords: smirk, sick
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 7 May 89 10:30:05 GMT
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Heard from a friend whose friend "actually" saw it happen.

There was a terrible auto accident, with body parts lying around.
A very stupid policeman was filling out a form telling where the parts were.
He was having some trouble spelling:  "Torso, in ditch.  t-o-r...s-o, in
d-i-c-no, t-c-h.  Head, in avenue.  h-e-d-no, h-e-a-d, in a-v-i...a-v-e...
<KICK> d-i-t-c-h.
--
Chris Phoenix
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Sun May  7 18:30:06 1989
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Gabe M Wiener)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Londoners' work ethic
Keywords: true, smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 7 May 89 23:30:06 GMT
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Reply-Path: uunet!cunixd.cc.columbia.edu!gmw1

When I was in London several months ago, I was staying in a hotel that is
well known for its great service.  Anyway, we got back from the theater one
night at around 12:30 AM, and we decided to call for a little tea and apple
pie.  So anyay, we phoned down for it, and an hour passed and it still had
not come.

I phoned down again and asked when the apple pie might be here.  The response
was:

"Oh, we beg your pardon sir, it's just leaving the kitchen now.  It should be
up to your room momentarily."

To that, I asked, "But I ordered it an hour ago.  What took so long?  What
were you doing, baking it?"

"Yes, sir."

I put the phone down.

----
Gabe Wiener -- Columbia University

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Mon May  8 02:20:05 1989
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From: [e-mail] (Greg Barnes)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Exxon attacked
Keywords: topical, smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 8 May 89 07:20:05 GMT
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[Background:  Stephen Rice, a Seattle man, is charged with shooting at the
windows of a local Exxon station.  Jonathan Love is the prosecutor for the
case]

(From the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, page B1, Wednesday, April 19th:)

    Love requested bail be set at $5000 pending arraignment tomorrow
and expressed concerns about the release of Rice.
    "The defendant stated he would continue to shoot at Exxon stations
until they did something in Alaska about the oil spill," Love told the
court.  "At the rate Exxon is progressing, it is best that Mr. Rice remain
in jail."
--
                    Greg Barnes
                    [e-mail]

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Mon May  8 05:30:06 1989
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From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: in crashes, casualties are always the first truths?
Keywords: chuckle, generic ethnic stereotype
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 8 May 89 10:30:06 GMT
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A JEDR jetliner exploded just after takeoff, and crashed into a cemetery.

So far, they've found four thousand bodies, and they're still digging.
--
Paul S. R. Chisholm, [e-mail], att!pegasus!psrc

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Mon May  8 18:30:06 1989
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From: [e-mail] (J. Daniel Smith)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Still more East Block Humor (East Germany)
Keywords: funny
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 8 May 89 23:30:06 GMT
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I heard this one a few years ago in East Germany.....

Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow
by Gorbachev for a visit.  After weeks of preparation by Gorby,
Honnecker arrives in Moscow.  As part of of celebration activities,
there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow.

While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a small boy
aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?"  The child repiles, "Mother
Russia."  "And who is your father?", asks Gorbachev.  The boy answers,
"Why, its you Uncle Gorbachev!".  Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and
what do you want to be when you grow up?".  The boy proudly replies,
"a good communist!".

Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very
impressed.  So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to
[East] Berlin for a visit.  Again, after weeks of preparation,
Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin.  And again, part of the celebration
includes a parade.

Remembering what Gorbachev did in Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene:
He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?"  The child
replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic--East Germany]."  "And
who is your father?", asks Honnecker.  "Why, its you Uncle Honnecker!",
replies the child.  "And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
queries Honnecker.  Without hesitation, the boy replies "an orphan."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Tue May  9 18:30:04 1989
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From: [e-mail] (Satinder S. Sidhu)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: A lesson in Government
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 9 May 89 23:30:04 GMT
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I heard the following many years ago from a friend who heard it in person at a
public lecture by the famous C. Northcote Parkinson at the Indian Institute of
Technology, Madras. Since this is second-hand (and from memory), it may not be
an exact quote but is close enough. The original delivery almost brought the
house down, as the cliche' goes.

     Government's handling of a difficult matter by appointing a Commission
     of Enquiry is just like a person going to the toilet -- there is a
     sitting, a report, and then the matter is dropped!

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
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From [e-mail] Wed May 10 02:20:05 1989
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From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: old cold fusion?
Keywords: topical, chuckle, true
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 10 May 89 07:20:05 GMT
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Reply-Path: att!pegasus!psrc

(alt.fusion cull, apparently true)

(This is a rumor that's making the rounds in the Netnews alt.fusion
discussion; I refer Netnews readers there for more information.)

There's a rumor that a Swedish chemist, back in 1926, submitted a
patent application for a technique of using palladium to turn hydrogen
into helium (essentially, the same setup that's behind the recent
"fusion in a jar" excitement).

There's another rumor that he gave up, because the technique generated
too much heat!
--
Paul S. R. Chisholm, AT&T Bell Laboratories

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.


From [e-mail] Wed May 10 05:30:04 1989
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From: [e-mail] (Rouben Rostamian)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: It's not the meat
Keywords: rec_humor_cull, funny, sexual
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 10 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 29
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Reply-Path: uunet!umbc3.umbc.edu!rostamia

(Source: Playboy Magazine)

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas
flight.  After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

    "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged,
"and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she
adored me."

    "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded,
"and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never
love another man."

    When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many
times did _you_ make love to your wife last night?"

    "Once," he replied.

    "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.  "And what did she say to you
this morning?"

    "Don't stop."

--
Rouben Rostamian
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Sun May 14 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!husc6!mailrus!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Told in the USSR Again
Keywords: smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 14 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: National Semiconductor (IC) Ltd, Israel Home of the 32532
Lines: 15
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: pyramid!nsc.nsc.com!nsc.com!taux01!amos

SInce we're into USSR jokes:

Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room;

Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but
the cat isn't there;

Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room,
the cat isn't there, but you keep shouting "I've found it! I've found it!"
--
Amos Shapir
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Sun May 14 18:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Kevin R. Grazier)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Memorial Day
Keywords: funny
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 14 May 89 23:30:03 GMT
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Reply-Path: rutgers!newton.physics.purdue.edu!grazier

As told to me by a friend in the British Army:

A British officer spotted a "busker" (street singer/bum) at the
bottom of the escalator of the London Underground.  The busker
had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR."
The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!"
Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of
his wallet and gave it to the busker.  The officer was then greeted
with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Mon May 15 05:30:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!pp!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Fearless Leader)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: alphabet soup
Keywords: smirk, heard it, proctological
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 15 May 89 10:30:07 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
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Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!mailrus!ames!amdahl!steven

(Cannot remember the origin, but this was my 'favorite' tasteless joke to
tell for many years)

Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend
of his (also a mute).  In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been
doing.

The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit.  I can talk now."

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details.  Seems he had gone to a
specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment
program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.

Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist.  They got
an appointment that very afternoon.

After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage,
that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that
there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.

"Yes, yes" signed the mute.  "Let's have the first treatment right now!"

"Very well," replies the specialist.  "Kindly go into the next room, drop
your pants and lean over the examining table.  I'll be right in."

The muts does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick,
mallet and jar of Vaseline.  Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home"
with a few deft swipes of the mallet.

The mute jumps from the table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

"VERY good," smiles the doctor.  "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"

--
 /  Steven Swinkels  //--

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Mon May 15 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Zeke Hoskin)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: oldie but coldie
Keywords: sexual, chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 15 May 89 23:30:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
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Reply-Path: ubc-cs!cs.sfu.ca!zeke

(This was current 25 years ago in Montreal.)

    One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local
brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait."

    "But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."

    "Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."

    "Listen, I'm pretty desparate. I don't need a room."

    So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of
the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the
transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a
very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the
sidewalk.  A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the
door, and knocks.

    "Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"

    "I don't want in," says the drunk.  "I just wanted to tell
you that your sign fell down."

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Tue May 16 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Wolfgang Sohrt)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Another Eng/Phys/Math
Keywords: chuckle, science
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 16 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
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Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!mailrus!wasatch!sohrt


An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around
a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence
around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together
until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself
and defines himself as being outside.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Wed May 17 05:30:08 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Paul K Willing)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: In the Family Way
Keywords: heard it, chuckle, offense=Alabamans, sexual
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 17 May 89 10:30:08 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J.
Lines: 18
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Reply-Path: rutgers!topaz.rutgers.edu!witting


    In a small Alabama town, almost everybody was excited about
the wedding that was comming up, but at the last moment, the groom
called off the wedding.  A puzzled drifter wanted to know why.

    PD: "Why did you call off the wedding so suddenly?"

    Former groom: "I just found out last night that she's a
virgin!"

    Even more PD: "But why is that so bad?"

    FG father, leaping to his son's defense: "Hell, if she's not
good enough for her own kin, she ain't good enough for my son!"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce.


From [e-mail] Thu May 18 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Cold_fusion
Keywords: topical, smirk, sexual
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 18 May 89 07:20:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 13
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: uunet!ukc!maths.tcd.ie!gwills


Seen on the letter's page of the "Irish Times"

    Dear Sir,

    Sex is the best form of fusion at room temperature,

        yrs, etc.

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Thu May 18 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Karen McGeer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: anonymous taxpayer poetry
Keywords: topical, smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 18 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 23
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Reply-Path: allegra!ucbvax!mtxinu!sybase!karenm

This was printed in the San Francisco Examiner, April 16, 1989.
The poet is anonymous because, to quote the IRS spokesman,
"anything that's sent to the IRS is classified as confidential".
    -Karen


    I think that I shall never see
    a tax form plain e-nough for me.
    A form that I can understand
    without a lawyer near at hand
    to guide this poor benighted me
    so I won't owe a pen-al-ty.

    A form that I will not detest
    or take as more than awful jest.
    A form with pages I can read
    and fill out ea-si-ly with speed.
    Such forms weren't made for fools like me
    Nor even God, who made a tree.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Sat May 20 17:01:05 1989
Flags: 000000000201
Date: Thu, 4 May 89 09:45 CDT
From: Jim Milstein <[e-mail]>
Subject: Science Lite
To: [e-mail]
Message-Id: <[e-mail]>


            SCIENTIST DISCOVERS NEW ELEMENT - ADMINISTRATIUM

    The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
    University physicists.  The element, tentatively named Administratium
    (AD), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic number
    is 0.  However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron,
    75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons.  This gives
    it an atomic mass number of 312.  The 312 particles are held together
    in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
    meson-like particles called memos.

    Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.  However, it can be
    detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which
    it is present.  According to one of the discoverers of the element, a
    very small amount of Administratium made one reaction that normally
    takes less than a second take over four days.

    Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time
    it does not actually decay.  Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in
    which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons, and assistants to the
    vice-neutrons exchange place.  Some studies have indicated that the
    atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganization.

    Administratium was discovered by accident when a researcher angrily
    resigned from the chairmanship of the physics department and dumped
    all of his papers in the intake hatch of the University's particle
    accelerator.  "Apparently, the interaction of all of those reports,
    grant forms, etc. with the particles in the accelerator created the
    new element."  an unnamed source explained.

    Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium
    might occur naturally in the atmosphere.  According to one scientist,
    Administratium is most likely to be found on college and university
    campuses, and in large corporation and government centers, near the
    best-appointed and best-maintained building.

From [e-mail] Sun May 21 02:20:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cadillac!pp!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Matt Fichtenbaum)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny,sci.physics
Subject: The Fusion Jokes just keep on coming.
Keywords: original, topical, funny, offense=Utah
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 21 May 89 07:20:07 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 11
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: inebriae!texbell!cs.utexas.edu!genrad.com!somewhere!mlf


The structure of the deuterium (heavy hydrogen) nucleus can be
described as "a proton married to two neutrons."

Maybe that's why the fusion experiments only work in Utah.
--
Matt Fichtenbaum
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Sun May 21 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cadillac!pp!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Brent Sterner (UWO CCS))
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Moses ... good and bad news
Keywords: heard it, smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 21 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 15
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: julian!uwovax.uwo.ca!brent


   The following was told at dinner yesterday.  I have no idea
of the origin.

    Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people:

    "The good news is we got them down to ten."

    "The bad news is that adultery is still one of them."
--
Brent Sterner
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
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From [e-mail] Mon May 22 02:20:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!mailrus!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (James A. Parker)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny,sci.physics
Subject: Good News, Bad News
Keywords: original, topical, funny
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 22 May 89 07:20:07 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 14
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Reply-Path: att!cbnews!jap

[The following is, as far as I can tell, original with me.]

There's good news and bad news on the investigation of the nuclear missile
dropped overboard near Japan:

    The good news is that the U.S. Navy is going to scan for signs
    of excess radiation.

    The bad news is that they've hired Fleischmann and Pons to do the
    testing.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Mon May 22 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: One of the first "Ollie goes to jail" jokes
Keywords: chuckle, singer stereotypes
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 22 May 89 23:30:05 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
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Reply-Path: uunet!kuhub.cc.ukans.edu!BRYAN


The words that Oliver North dreads hearing:

     "Yo! Bring that white boy over here! The Godfather of Soul
      got somethin' for him!"

                -Bryan

PS - I'm starting a punk group called "I Killed Lucy." Can anyone out
     there play bongos and rhythm guitar?

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Tue May 23 02:20:09 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Paul Tomblin)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Marcos
Keywords: sick, funny, topical
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 23 May 89 07:20:09 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 11
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Reply-Path: gpu.utcs.toronto.edu!utzoo!dciem!nrcaer!cognos!geovision!pt

I can't understand why Corey Aquino won't allow Ferdinand Marcos back into
the country to die.
..After all, he let her husband come back into the country to die.

--
Paul Tomblin
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Tue May 23 05:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Marten Jansen)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Give the baby a bath
Keywords: smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 23 May 89 10:30:03 GMT
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Reply-Path: uunet!cs.vu.nl!mjansen


It's the first time that father is giving baby Jan a bath.  After a while
mother hears baby Jan crying and screaming.

She goes to the bathroom and sees that father is dragging baby Jan through
the water with his ears!

"What are you doing," asked mother to father, "you are holding him by his
ears!"

"Do you want me to burn my hands," replied father ....

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
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From [e-mail] Wed May 24 01:28:15 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!purdue!decwrl!decvax!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Field Replacable Mouse Balls
Keywords: computer, chuckle, true
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 24 May 89 06:28:15 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 53
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{ed Yikes.  12 people have submitted this one.  STOP IT!!!}

ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT
SUBJECT:NEW RETAIN TIP


    Record number:      H031944
    Device:             D/T8550
    Model:              M
    Hit count:          UHC00000
    Success count:      USC00000
    Publication code:   PC50
    Tip key:            025
    Date created:       O89/02/14
    Date last altered:  A89/02/15
    Owning B.U.:        USA

    Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replacable Unit)


TEXT:
MOUSE BALLS ARE NOW AVAILABLE AS A FRU.
IF A MOUSE FAILS TO OPERATE,OR SHOULD PERFORM ERRATICALLY,IT MAY
BE IN NEED OF BALL REPLACEMENT.BECAUSE OF THE DELICATE NATURE OF
THIS PROCEDURE,REPLACEMENT OF MOUSE BALLS SHOULD BE ATTEMPTED BY
TRAINED PERSONNEL ONLY.

BEFORE ORDERING,DETERMINE TYPE OF MOUSE BALLS REQUIRED BY EXAMINING
THE UNDERSIDE OF EACH MOUSE.DOMESTIC BALLS WILL BE LARGER AND HARDER
THAN FOREIGN BALLS. BALL REMOVAL PROCEDURES DIFFER,DEPENDING UPON
MANUFACTURER OF THE MOUSE. FOREIGN BALLS CAN BE REPLACED USING THE
POP-OFF METHOD, AND DOMESTIC BALLS REPLACED USING THE TWIST-OFF METHOD.
MOUSE BALLS ARE NOT USUALLY STATIC SENSITIVE,HOWEVER,EXCESSIVE
HANDLING CAN RESULT IN SUDDEN DISCHARGE.
UPON COMPLETION OF BALL REPLACEMENT,THE MOUSE MAY BE USED IMMEDIATELY.

IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT EACH SERVICER HAVE A PAIR OF BALLS FOR
MAINTAINING OPTIMUM CUSTOMER SATISFACTION,AND THAT ANY CUSTOMER
MISSING HIS BALLS SHOULD SUSPECT LOCAL PERSONNEL OF REMOVING
THESE NECESSARY FUNCTIONAL ITEMS.

P/N33F8462 -- DOMESTIC MOUSE BALLS
P/N33F8461 -- FOREIGN MOUSE BALLS

--------------------------------------------------------------------

[This came out of an IBM service database.  Of course it's referring
 to the rubber ball inside a computer mouse...]

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Wed May 24 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!purdue!iuvax!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Emmett Black)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny,sci.physics
Subject: Cold Nuclear FUSION; another confirmation
Keywords: chuckle, topical
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 24 May 89 07:20:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 16
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A "classified government laboratory" in Great Britain has
allegedly reported successful replication of of the
"Fleischmann Cold Fusion Effect" (note they didn't mention Pons),
with some subtile difference in technique.

The principal difference appears to be that the
electrolytes were "shaken, not stirred."

--
Emmett (J.E.Black); GE Research

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From [e-mail] Wed May 24 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: A Jury of his Peers
Keywords: chuckle, true
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 24 May 89 23:30:05 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 24
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!utzoo!sickkids!mark

The Toronto Star has a weekly column by an attorney, consisting of
humorous excerpts from court transcripts.  The following appeared
a few weeks ago:

In a jury trial in Battleford, Sask., a few decades back, a farmer
was charged with bestiality after he became amorous with one of his
cows.

The chief Crown witness, the hired man, testified that he saw his
boss place a milk stool behind the cow, then stand on the stool
and take liberties with the cow.  Moments later, the witness said,
the cow kicked over the stool and the farmer fell to the floor
of the barn.

Upon hearing this, a farmer in the jury box slapped his thigh and
exclaimed, "They'll do that every time!"

---
Mark Bartelt
Hospital for Sick Children, Toronto
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
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From artm%phre[e-mail] Thu May 25 02:20:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!looking!funny-request
From: artm%phre[e-mail] (Curmudgeon)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Catastrophic Spill
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 25 May 89 07:20:05 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: Physio-Control Corp., Seattle, WA
Lines: 48
Approved: [e-mail]

I got this from a neighbor who works for a fish packing company...

            NEWS BULLETIN!!!

Today, in a tragic accident at the Exxon corporate headquarters, the
fish truck "Prince William Express" slammed into the side of the main
building of the new corporate headquarters spilling more than 20 tons
of dead herring, salmon, sea otters and various other wildlife on to
the pristine lawn of the Exxon complex.

Skipper Joe Woodhead was passed out the in the sleeper compartment of the
state-of-the-art fish truck when the trusk struck the clearly-marked
building.  "Bobo", the skipper's dog, had thewheel at the time of
the accident.  Bobo, whose certification does not permit him to drive
on planet earth, was unavailable for comment, and confirmed sources
suggest he has a history of drug abuse.

The skipper contends that he was not drunk at the time of the
accident, but when he realized the seriousness of the spill he ran
out to a local tavern and pounded down a half-dozen beers.  Woodhead
also contends that he told Bobo to give him a "Bud light", not a "hard
right".

The President of the Prince William Express Co. said that they would
assume full responsibility for the spill and would submit a plan in
about a month on the proposed clean-up procedure.  He also stated
that thjey ship over a million tons of seafood a year and that an
accident like this is just the price we have to pay to eat fish.

When asked about the clean-up equipment for such a spill, company
officials commented that a small pickup with a shovel in it was in
Gopher Spits, Iowa, but had a flat tire and therefore would be unable
to be dispatched to the scene.

On the market side of things, fish prices will increase by 20% for
all species.

Vice President Dan Quail flew to the texaco headquarters today and
reported that there appeared to be no damage, and was returning to
Washington, DC.

--
                                            Art Marriott
                                            Physio-Control
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.
Topical (current events) jokes should be sent to [e-mail]


From [e-mail] Thu May 25 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Bill Smith)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The TJ Solution
Keywords: sexual, smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 25 May 89 23:30:05 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 19
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: m.cs.uiuc.edu!wsmith

A husband and wife were lying in bed one night.  (Since they have small
children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.)
The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice "washing
machine."   The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired
and she said "Not tonight, dear; I'm tired."   He rolled away.

Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated "Honey, washing machine."
She said "I've got a headache."

He rolled away again.   Ten minutes later, the wife, feeling guilty, turned
to her husband and said, "OK, washing machine."

He replied.  "That's OK.  It was a small load and I did it by hand."

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

Topical (current events) jokes should be sent to [e-mail]


From [e-mail] Fri May 26 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: For all you landlubbers out there
Keywords: smirk, heard it
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 26 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 33
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!gatech!mit-eddie!apollo!tmm

Here's one people can tell to their grandmothers:

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain.  This captain was very
successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the
world.  Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him.  He was
admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain.  Every morning
he went through a strange ritual.  He would lock himself in his captain's
quarters and open a small safe.  In the safe was an envolope with a piece
of paper inside.  He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it
back up.  After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.  Was it a
treasure map?  Was it  a letter from a long lost love?  Everyone speculated
the contents of the strange envolope.

One day the captain died at sea.  After laying the captain's body to rest,
the first  mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters.  He opened
the safe, got the envolope, opened it and...

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others.  Four words
were on the paper, two on two lines:

``Port Left Starboard Right''
--
Tom Mistretta

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.


From [e-mail] Sun May 28 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Zen and the Art of Bicycle Riding
Keywords: funny
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 28 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
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Reply-Path: uunet!lilac.berkeley.edu!c60c-3ds%WEB.Berkeley.EDU

Taken from the May/June 1989 Utne Reader, which took this from
Shawn Gosieski, New Cyclist, Fall 1988.  (and it has come in from
other sources -ed)


    A Zen teacher saw five of his students returning from the market,
riding their bicycles.  When they arrived at the monastary and had dis-
mounted, the teacher asked the students, "Why are you riding your bicycles?"

    The first student replied, "The bicycle is carrying the sack of
potatoes.  I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!"  The
teacher praised the first student, "You are a smart boy!  When you grow
old, you will not walk hunched over like I do."

    The second student replied, "I love to watch the trees and fields
pass by as I roll down the path!"  The teacher commended the second student,
"Your eyes are open, and you see the world."

    The third student replied, "When I ride my bicycle, I am content
to chant nam myoho renge kyo."  The teacher gave praise to the third stu-
dent, "Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel."

    The fourth student replied, "Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony
with all sentient beings."  The teacher was pleased, and said to the fourth
student, "You are riding on the golden path of non-harming."

    The fifth student replied, "I ride my bicycle to ride my
bicycle."  The teacher sat at the feet of the fifth student and said,
"I am your student!"

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

Remember: Only ONE joke per submission.  Extra jokes may be rejected.


From [e-mail] Mon May 29 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (David Gadbois)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Yet another East German joke
Keywords: smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 29 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
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Reply-Path: sygmund.cgs.utexas.edu!gadbois

(J. Daniel Smith's East German joke the other day reminded of this one.
 Bill Fason told it to me a few years ago. --DG)

One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk
with his mistress.  He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a
present of her choice.

She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich,
if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open
the borders just for one day."

Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her
request.  He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?"

The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you."

--
David Gadbois ([e-mail])

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.


From @MCC.COM:[e-mail] Mon May 29 19:55:20 1989
Flags: 000000000201
Date: Mon, 29 May 1989 19:49:39 CDT
From: Werner Uhrig <[e-mail]>
To: [e-mail]
Subject: what the backbone is chuckling about these days ....

    I wonder if "temporary insanity" is a valid defense for a computer;
    or, maybe:  "a virus made me do it"  ... ?!!


To: <deleted to protect the innocent>
Subject: Those crazy soviets...
Date: Mon, 29 May 89 12:51:20 EST
From: <deleted to protect the guilty>

I had misplaced the paper this was in and thought I'd lost it.
I just now found it and thought the following article would be of
interest.  I's from the 14 March 1989 issue of "Weekly World News" --
one of those supermarket tabloids.

Computer Charged with Murder After Frying Chess Champ
by Ragan Dunn

A Soviet super-computer has been ordered to stand trial for the murder
of chess champion Nikolai Gudkov -- who was electorcuted when he
touched the metal board that he and the machine were playing on!

"This was no accident -- it was cold-blooded murder," Soviet police
investigator Alexei Shainev told reporters in Moscow.

"Niko Gudkov won three straight games and the computer couldn't stand
it.  When the chess master reached for his knight to begin play in the
fourth game, the computer sent a lethal surge of electricity to the
board surface.  The computer had been programmed to move its chess
pieces by producing a low-level electric current.

"Gudkov was electrocuted while a gallery of hundreds watched."

The decision to put the computer on trial stunned legal experts around
the world.  [I hope computer experts are also shocked, so to speak.
--spaf] But the Soviets are convinced that the computer had the pride
and intelligence to develop a hatred for Gudkov -- and the motive and
means to kill him.

The mind-boggling murder drama unfolded during a six-day chess
marathon between the M2-11 supercomputer and Gudkov, a world class
chess player.

According to reports, Gudkov defied all odds [Calculated by the same
supercomputer, no doubt. --spaf] and beat the machine in three consecutive
games.  And when they prepared to begin their forth, a deadly dose of
electricity flowed up into the electronic board and zapped Gudkov dead.

Soviet authorities initially thought that the surge of electricity was
caused by a short-circuit.  But an examination of the computer
revealed no problems.

It was later determined that the machine diverted the flow of
electricity from its brain to the chess board to ensure a victory over
Gudkov. [This implies that Soviet semiconductors work at voltages of a
few hundred volts, or maybe their supercomputers are tube-based?
--spaf]

"The computer was programmed to win at chess and when it couldn't do
that legitimately, it killed its opponent," said investigator Shalnev.

"It might sound ridiculous to bring a machine to trial for murder.
[!!]  But a machine that can solve problems and think [sic] faster
than any human must be held accountable for its actions."

Rudi Hagemann, the Swiss legal scholar, agreed with the Soviet cop.

He said that the development of artificial intelligence has come so
far in recent years that certain computers and some robots "must be
considered human."

It isn't clear how the Soviets will punish the computer if it is found
guilty when it goes to court this spring. [Send it to a Gulag for
reprogramming? --spaf]

But Hagermann says the machine will probably be reprogrammed or dismantled
altogether.

******

I don't think there's much to say here, except in the way of warning:  next
time you accuse the system of cheating at rogue, don't say it too loudly!



From [e-mail] Tue May 30 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (Donald Tsang)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The Eighteen Bottles
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 30 May 89 10:30:04 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 39
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: cory.Berkeley.EDU!tsang

My dad found this on a bulletin board at work many years ago.  My
sister recently found a copy hiding in some old school stuff she was
throwing out.  A good challenge is to try to read the entire piece
aloud without laughing.  Neither I nor my sister can do it.


The Eighteen Bottles

    I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else...  I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.  I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew
the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the
exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork from
the thrid bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.  I
pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the glass, which I drank.  I pulled the bottle from the
cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down
the glass.  I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork
down the bottle.  Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour.  When I had everything emptied, I steadied
the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks
with the other, which were twent-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle,
which I drank.  I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle
peep I am.  I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.  I fool so
feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the
longer I get.
                                      -- Author unknown
--
Donald Tsang

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.


From [e-mail] Tue May 30 18:30:08 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!ucbvax!decwrl!sun-barr!texsun!texbell!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail] (John Fereira)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: This joke Quacks me up
Keywords: meta-joke, chuckle, sexual?
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 30 May 89 23:30:08 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 18
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: hp-sde.sde.hp.com!john%hpdsla


   A duck walks into a pharmacy waddles up to the prescription counter
and rings the bell.  The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
you?".  The duck relplies, "Yes, I would like a box of condoms".
"Why certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
you like me to put it on your bill?".  The duck answers, "What kind of
duck do you think I am?"

--
QUACK QUACK
John Fereira

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.


From [e-mail] Wed May 31 02:20:08 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!rutgers!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request
From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Elvis and Wright
Keywords: topical, smirk
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 31 May 89 07:20:08 GMT
Sender: [e-mail]
Lines: 11
Approved: [e-mail]
Reply-Path: rutgers!aramis.rutgers.edu!watrous

Heard on Rush Limbaugh(sp?):

Q: What's the difference between Elvis and Jim Wright?

A: Everyone knows Wright is dead...

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to [e-mail]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce.